simple jack quotes

Kevin Sandusky: Tugg, you have no idea where you’re going! Tran: You wear these. Tugg Speedman: It’s corn syrup, guys. I don’t know. You people… Rick Peck: Amanda? Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical [holds the Tivo up and starts running towards the helicopter] And you know Cliffhanger, Cliffhanger’s incredible. [the others all look at him and then just ignore him and continue talking]. Jeff Portnoy: It’s Fatties: Fart Two. Kirk Lazarus: No, no, no man.

I’m sorry a dingo ate your baby. [starts doing a really bad fake cry, crowd of guards start applauding and then Speedman gets hit in the stomach by the guard on stage with him] Kirk Lazarus: No. Kevin Sandusky: Come on, fellas, we really need to go. He’ll become a naturalist. I didn’t tell you, but Fatties: Fart Three is coming down the pike, and there’s a role in there for you if you come over and untie me. Tugg Speedman: There’s, like, the pineapple… Kirk Lazarus: But are we cool? Alpa Chino: What’re you talking about? “Tropic Blunder: The True Story Behind the Making of the Most Expensive Fake True War Story Ever.” Kirk Lazarus: You’re not doing tofu dinner theater for these motherfuckers. Les Grossman: No, dickhead, of course I could. I am not Sergeant Lincoln Osiris… Tugg Speedman: The whole movie?

Kevin Sandusky: What? You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle, alone, for some money and a G5? Kirk Lazarus: [pauses] I know, but I don’t have to tell you. (hangs up and asks assistant) Find out who that was. Little Half Squat. Because he’s cleaning a gun with no bullets. Jeff Portnoy: I got to take a fucking twelve pound shit! He’s my boy! [Tran and his guards are getting ready to shoot a grenade at the helicopter when Peck appears through the jungle]

Kevin Sandusky: We were in that chopper for hours. 100 million, oh, wait! [gets to Speedman whose lying in the mud] Acting like you some one-man GPS! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack. Les Grossman: Uh, joking. They just think it’s an old storage room, or a mine, or something.

Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down! Les Grossman: Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties. No. Alpa Chino: What the hell, Damien? Dustin Hoffman, “Rain Man”, looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Rick Peck: Where have you moved on to? Les Grossman: What?! Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: Like him in Carlito Way? Kirk Lazarus: You still got that shit upside down.

Les Grossman: You play ball, we play ball. Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!

[Speedman is brought onto a makeshift stage with really bad looking makeup and wig] If you’re in the latter category, we’ve got a round-up of some of the best Halloween quotes, sayings, and phrases around to help. Kirk Lazarus: Oh yeah. You are a rock star. Kirk Lazarus: To the man’s credit, he’s actually eased up on the retard throttle. This is bullshit. Tugg Speedman: Hey! Damien Cockburn: I know, you’re the only one who auditioned, the only one who did the two-week boot camp. Jeff Portnoy: Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick right now. [reads from the scene list]

Tran: We’ve watched it many, many times. Kirk Lazarus: Oh, thanks!

Prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months. Tugg, you can cry. Les Grossman: Great. You make so many people laugh. [he takes hold of Four Leaf’s stringy stumps] I just got caught up in… I don’t speak that stuff. Rick Peck: So you can read the Tropic Thunder contract that guarantees my client, Tugg Speedman, some form of digital video recorder on location. There he is.

I’m just dieting. Acting like you some one-man GPS! Alpa Chino: I’m not gay! Jeff Portnoy: What are you talking about? Tugger! Les Grossman: Okay. Quotes tagged as "jack-simple" Showing 1-16 of 16 “He’s all natural charm and boyish good looks.” About Jack Simple, FADE by Kailin Gow” ― Kailin Gow, Fade. Alright, now, dude, you got to get it. Kevin Sandusky: Oh, real, are you, are you serious? Alpa Chino: In being a dumbass? No one’ll ever respect me. Kirk Lazarus: What about you, Masterblaster?

Togeth… [Cockburn gives the actors instructions on what he expects them to do whilst in the jungle] Damien Cockburn: You wanted to be actors. [Portnoy is tied to a tree] Les Grossman: Or you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.

Are you really going to abandon this movie? Kirk Lazarus: Oh, yeah. [Speedman shoots his rifle into the air to stop them all arguing] Kevin Sandusky: What, Alpa Chino? Kirk Lazarus: Yo, asshole!

Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck is Laos? Tugg Speedman: In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn’t retarded, and by the end of the whole thing, I was like, “Wait a minute, you know, I flushed so much out, how am I going to jumpstart it up again?” It’s just like… But this head movies makes my eyes rain! You OD’d! Alpa Chino: As for why I'm in this movie, maybe I just knew I had to represent.

Kevin Sandusky: Ahh, It’s Kevin. Alpa Chino: Come on. Dog Day Afternoon. ain’t no Chris Angel Mind freak, David Blaine trapdoor horseshit jumping off here! Cody: Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig. [Speedman is running back on the bridge with Half Squat on his shoulders trying to stab him with a knife]

I’m giving you gold. Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick.

Get it over here, buddy. Kevin Sandusky: Tugg Speedman is dead meat if we don’t do something soon. Four Leaf Tayback: Writers lie all the time. I thought I could trust you. We’re supposed to be a unit! Grayson or Jack? Kirk Lazarus: What you getting at with the books, scripts?

Kirk Lazarus: What about you, Masterblaster? You really need help! Jeff Portnoy: Hey, guys, I’m good. Kirk Lazarus: You’ve got hands? Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn? Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs. It’s a cure-all. [to Speedman] [referring to Cockburn getting exploded] Alpa Chino: That’s the theme song for The Jeffersons. Yeah. Rick Peck: I got the TiVo!

[Damien tries to stop Kirk from walking off the set]

I’m going to fucking do all the heroin in the fucking world.

I bet I could collar up some of them greens. Jeff Portnoy: …you! Rick Peck: Say it for me one time. Kevin Sandusky: You got it! Kevin Sandusky: Look, you guys, we already know the plan. Come, look!

Don’t you get it?

Alpa Chino: Hell, yeah! Now, let’s go get those Viet Congs. What’re you saying? Damn it. Jeff Portnoy: They only laugh at my farts. That ain’t retarded.

[referring to Portnoy] You make me happy. [at the crew party Cockburn tries to get his actors together to have a cast meeting] Now, Tugg who? Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! It’s Nick Stevens, isn’t it? [Speedman hold up the twig man] Tran: …American?! Last I checked, they hadn’t hooked it up, though. It’s just, it’s very political. Some of us might not even make it back. Kirk Lazarus: Neither do I. Cody: Let me just be real with you, all right?

[to the guard that’s just bursts in] [to the guards]

I’m a patriot! Alpa Chino: Get down. Kevin Sandusky: Well, that’s what that movie was about. I’m just saying that to have been nominated would have been nice. It’s good to finally meet you at last, get some face-time. I mean, I always wanted to, but I guess I just never had the courage to ask. Alpa Chino: I don’t want no Fatties franchise, I got a diamond toilet.

Time to man up.

Rick Peck: How did the crying scene go? Tugg Speedman: Hey! Go to town! Sex Camp. The thing I love most in the world. Alright?

[snippets of Lazarus in different outrageous antics are shown and then a snippet of Lazarus speaking at an interview before turning himself into Osiris] Remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? Rob Slolom: We’re having a… Fuck, okay.

.

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